SATIRE: KHAMAS ATE MY HOMEWORK

Published March 31, 2024
Illustration by Radia Durrani
Illustration by Radia Durrani

It baffles us that, since the events of October 7th, people around the world — particularly millennials and Gen Z — continue to focus on the plight of Gazans and demand a ceasefire. Why can the world not learn from history and overlook this particular genocide, like it has forgotten others?

Remember the Roma genocide? The Herero genocide? The systematic extermination of tens of thousands of Hutu civilians?

No? Exactly!

Not that this is an admission of the fact that what we are doing in Gaza can be defined as a ‘genocide’. For one, the term is used to define “acts committed with the intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnic, racial, or religious group.” This includes “deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life [that are] calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part.”

Does that in any way sound like us and our total siege of 2.3 million people, with complete communication blackouts and the intense bombing of schools, hospitals and infrastructure?

Of course not, silly! That’s just us fighting Khamas. So, to quote one of our young advocates addressing the Burlington City Council in Vermont, “Do not use other genocides to describe this one!”

Israel attempts to understand why it continues to receive worldwide hate and condemnation for its actions post-October 7, despite its claims of being the victim of, among other things, genocide

As we have repeatedly stated, slurred into ice cream cones, and stupidly and stubbornly parroted to the press, whatever we are doing in Gaza, including and not limited to the flour massacre, can only be defined as ‘Israel’s right to defend itself’ against starving civilians and innocent children. Or perhaps as ‘acts of barbarism and pure sadism.’ Po-tay-to, po-tah-to!

And while we are on the subject, what the hell is South Africa’s problem? Their allegations in the International Court of Justice (ICJ) were “baseless and profoundly distorted.” Besides, what do they know about apartheid anyway? Not to gaslight but, “if there were acts of genocide, they’ve been perpetrated against Israel.”

To be honest, we expected this to be wrapped up sooner, especially after crying “40 beheaded babies” and definitely without all this uproar from US citizens complaining about their tax dollars.

It’s not the first time they’ve funded a war and it ain’t our first rodeo either.

There was the Nakba of 1948, after which we forced Palestinians to live under occupation for 74 years. The Human Rights Watch even documented the range of Israeli abuse in a report in 2021, so we’re genuinely confused by this sudden ‘wokeness’ and interest in the Palestinian cause.

Is it because of TikTok?

We did notice the “app having a pro-Palestinian slant that was undercutting support for Israel among young Americans.” That’s got to be it, because we’ve got Meta and X doing our dirty work. Time to get the US Congress to pass a bill.

It is infuriating, though! We’ve spent $7.1 million on advertising and over $60 billion in bombs and bullets. We even bought fancy robot dogs from Ghost Robotics, worth $150,000, put up with the BDS [Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions] movement and even Houthi rebels! And now, we’re forced to pay these bloody lawyers, too! 

To be honest, we were hoping that threatening employees with layoffs and students with suspensions, stirred in with an occasional cry of ‘anti-semitism’, would allow us to achieve our objective in peace. (Pun-intended!)

We even went through the trouble of a temporary ceasefire, so those folks could focus on more pressing matters like Black Friday shopping. But it seems that nothing we ever do is good enough!

We air-drop aid and do we get even a thank you? No! Instead, we get more hate on how it's ‘humiliation-aid’ that ends in the sea and how it has killed civilians and is nothing but a PR stunt.

But these voices are getting louder and bolder with every passing day! Protestors disrupting discussions, raising blood-clad hands, even shutting down airports to demand a ceasefire.

What’s worse is that they’re causing havoc on dating apps like Tinder and Hinge by displaying tiny Palestinian flags and ‘No Zionists’ in their bios. Now, how in hell will a good looking, single Zionist — with a healthy appetite for brutality, a sense of supremacy and genocidal tendencies — find a match?

We fail to understand why, despite our biased media headlines, the world does not see this as a Khamas-Israel war. Sure, Gaza does not have an army, an air force or a port, let alone a navy, but you know what they do have? Stones! Oh, and tunnels, which we know for sure about, because we built them.

Since day one, we’ve been clear about two things: our genocidal intent and the fact that our intent isn’t genocidal, but that it's a war against Khamas and the “children of darkness.”

And yet, you praise men like Motaz Azaiza and Aaron Bushnell, hailing them as heroes, while our moral IDF army, these “children of light” on the ground in Gaza, get hate for flaunting their loot and Palestinian lingerie.

And you miss the point. The point is, Khamas, which we have repeatedly pointed at, in an attempt to prove that that is the point. Khamas is the problem.

Khamas is responsible for the 65,000 tonnes of bombs dropped on Gaza. Khamas is responsible for the deaths of over 30,000 people, the majority of them women and children. It is because of Khamas that we are forced to strip innocent Palestinian men and make them sit naked in freezing temperatures.

It is because of Khamas that we must bomb hospitals and bakeries and then deny we bombed them. It is because of Khamas that we must invade hospitals, disguised as doctors and veiled women and then defend our poor choices.

It is Khamas that is responsible for the rising sea levels and global warming. And if you don't believe us, we will repeatedly 'point' at the global warming agenda — recovered from the rubble in Gaza — in an unedited video, with just a few straightforward edits! We might take it down and upload it again, in case we overlook a few, um, problems, but the point is, you have to focus on the message we share, delete, edit, and re-share, and not the statistics of health ministries, NGOs and certainly not journalists based in Gaza.

We’re just saying you have got to believe our story at this point.

It's been 175 days since the attack and we're still trying to convince the world that we are the victims here. So, what if we haven't lost our homes or entire families, aren't displaced or starving, it's about time someone validated our feelings and agreed that we are the real victims here.

Khamas is the bogeyman that's haunting the world, not us! 

There isn’t a voice recording of six-year-old Hind Rajab trapped in a car surrounded by Israeli tanks. There is no image of 10-year-old Yazan starving to death, and the last moments of the cold, lifeless, body of three-year-old Reem in the warm embrace of her grandfather. They do not exist!

But there is a diary of Anne. And we will use it for our cause.

We will sing, snack and take selfies at the crossing to prevent aid from getting to Khamas. Because those pregnant women and children are Khamas. The UNRWA [United Nations Relief and Works Agency] is Khamas. The UN is Khamas. Even those lawyers from South Africa at the ICJ are Khamas. Anyone who tweets anything unfavorable about Israel is Khamas. And if you don't believe us, then you too, are Khamas!

Now, if you’ll excuse us, instead of letting in aid trucks, we have a faster, more inefficient plan of building a floating pier off Gaza’s shore, coincidentally next to Gaza’s natural gas fields. It will take six weeks, but it's a brilliant plan, because aid that comes from the sea is useless for Khamas.

The writer is a humour columnist and satirist based in Pakistan

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 31st, 2024

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