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Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer disclaiming that this is a factual piece. If you take it seriously then you are in denial. Or worse, you really believe that Michael Jackson was killed in a drone attack.
The weather in Pakistan changed rather unexpectedly last week when instead of getting cooler, it became colder. There’s a difference.
Of course, as usual, the weather experts had all those typical explanations to offer, sighting high pressure there that generated cold winds here and all that.
But rest assured, the truth lies somewhere else. It was HAARP! The United States’ High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program – an ionospheric research programme jointly funded by the US Air Force, the Navy, the University of Alaska, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency and the Kilingon High Command.
HAARP is the same programme that caused the 2005 Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the 2011 Japanese earthquake and the 2012 Imran Khan Tsunami.
Before you dismiss me as being some conspiracy theorist, consider this:
It was people like me who were the first to suggest that there were Blackwater agents roaming around in Pakistan; that the Americans were using drones in Waziristan; and that the earth was actually flat and hollow.
People laughed at people like me, but not all people, only people serving the interests of people trying to break up Pakistan and its people and turn them all from being true keepers of faith and patriotism to becoming liberal scum, so you see, people, what kind of people I am talking about, even though you are not that kind of people, are you, people?
Now also consider this: I have on purpose used the word people over and over again in the preceding paragraph. Count the times I used this word. Nine times. Now divide 9 with 777 and then multiply the resultant number with 365 and you’ll get the figure of 666. If you did, then welcome to reality. And that is: Lucifer is in control of the United Nations.
I’m sure some of you must be squirming and itching to ridicule me, but remember it was I who first suggested that the CIA was using fake polio vaccination campaigns in Fata to gather intelligence in that area, and the fact that man never walked on the moon. It was all an elaborate hoax.
It is a conspiracy to label men like me as conspiratorial fools because the powers that be want to hide the truth from the masses – a truth, rather truths, that can expose the large, all-encompassing conspiracies that the powers that be are conspiring to implement for world domination through so-called elected governments, the media and computer chips implanted in our heads and deadly fluoride that is mixed into our branded mineral water bottles by the powers that be through multinational corporations, secular political parties, NGOs and Dr Pervez Hoodbhoy.
And did I mention all this was being done by the powers that be? I did. Thrice. Now multiply 3 by 5 then divide by 2; multiply the resultant number with 6, divide it by 9 and add 77. You’ll get 666 again. Make sure you use a halal pencil while doing the adding and multiplying, or if you’re using a calculator, make sure it’s a local (i.e. a Chinese) brand and not a Zionist one.
If the calculator is not local it is likely to blow in your face and the powers that be will blame the explosion on the so-called extremists who really do not exist but when they do they are actually misguided Muslims working for the CIA, RAW, Mossad and Nana Patekar to balkanise Pakistan and sell its population as slaves to the owners of Burger King residing on the island of Atlantis that does not exist in the Atlantic Ocean but somewhere in the Arabian Sea. I know this because I can speak and understand Arabic fluently.
In fact, all Pakistanis should be able to understand and speak Arabic fluently. It is a conspiracy by the powers that be who are bosses of the powers that be I was talking about earlier that instead of Arabic, Pakistanis were made to learn to speak regional languages, such as Sindhi, Balochi, Pashto and Saraiki. What a shame.
Now look what the liberals want to do. They want to rearrange our history textbooks and fill them up with lies that Ghaznavi Bhai was not the first Pakistani and that Imran Khan is not a tsunami. He bestest politician in hole wide widewide world & earth and universe & cosmos & Mianwali and you anti-paknapaak corrupt lifafah fake liberal fascist shut up u mouthy hahaha what if drone attack happen on your house you bastaaahahahahaaafiaqaumkibeti sister sister-in-law daughter but brother u stupid dog LOLZ !!!!!!.
These fake liberals are demonising historians like Orya Maqbool Jan (the man who wrote a brilliant critique of Malala’s book, ‘I am Satan’), and scholars like Sangsar Abbasi who have tirelessly worked day and night to keep evil websites like YouTube banned in Pakistan and turn the act of foaming in the mouth into an admirable patriotic trait.
People like me have struggled hard to fight the conspiracies of fake liberals present in some sections of the Pakistani media.
But thanks to the support and backing of gallant institutions like Fauji Cornflakes, and renowned scholars and profound intellectuals like doctor (both medical as well as academic), engineer (both Chinese as well as pious) and all round hunk, Moby Lucman, Kamran Akmal and Austin Powers, the people of Pakistan are waking up to the deep conspiracies being hatched by the powers that be and the Powerpuff Girls to discredit Pakistani forces and make Switzerland’s Israeli Francophile Vatican-backed banking system to continue funding local Freemasons like Asif Zardari and Nawaz Sharif and make decent Muslim Pakistani women pose nude on the covers of Anglo-Indian-Angelo-Mathews fashion magazines.
Before I go, dear brethren and sisteren, I want to leave you with some really intriguing pictorial evidences for you to ponder about …
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com. He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
